xxo, p.m.

I've Moved...

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 01:57:00 +0000

Yeah. It seems that my cancer blog has sort of morphed into my REGULAR blog. So if you're not already, follow me over there:

www.positivelyphoebe.com

January 2

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 22:06:00 +0000

Another year has slipped by. And I know I seem to have slipped away from this blog. For those of you who follow this one and DON'T know... this is what's been going on with me lately and where most of my bloggity biz has been the past couple months:

http://phoebestupidcancer.blogspot.com

Here's to hoping for a better 2012 for all and more time to post over here again...

xxo.

June 9

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 01:36:00 +0000

more phone photos... i need to get back out with my actual cameras! but i am enjoying messing with the vignette app on my droid. it's not bad!

June 2, No. 2

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 02:33:00 +0000

...and might as well get back to it in a big way! i've been waiting patiently for instagr.am to come out for android, but since that doesn't seem to be happening, i've been fussing with various settings on my vignette app, trying to get the look of the instagram pictures i like the best (specifically those of my favorite web-friend, sandra juto). these span a few months, but now that i'm getting back to regular blogging ( I SWEAR!!!), they'll be more timely in the future.

June 2

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 23:35:00 +0000

i've been kind of a loser, where blogging is concerned. going to try to remedy that - starting now - with some analog photography goodness. between the polaroids i shot monday night when ryan and i went to watch the sunset at the lake, to 3 rolls of 35mm that had been kicking around (some for YEARS), i think i got a few goodies...

1-2: Impossible PX600, 3-5: Expired Polaroid Spectra, 6-8: Lomo Octomat 35mm, 9-14: Lomo Diana Mini 35mm, 15-19: Disposable 35mm

April 2

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 00:39:00 +0000

i do not want this dog. i do not want this dog. i do not want this dog.

i think she looks like a "lulu". what about you? know anyone looking for a sweet lady to love?

March 29, No. 2

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 18:56:00 +0000

ok. doctor visit number umpteen is done. and i am, most likely, ok! ::deep breath:: waiting on a couple of test results from today, now, but just the fact that a biopsy was NOT part of the equation makes me feel ten thousand times better. and the fact that, if the test results ARE normal, all of my problems can probably be fixed with some pills... and if not, then with a very simple, 5 minute operation/procedure. the second option would mean i could never have kids. but really... we all know that's not an issue for me. and with the rate at which all of my amazing friends are having awesome kids, i'll have enough auntie phoebe duties to keep me WAY more involved with little ones than i ever planned to be! so, see? it all works out fine.

March 29

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 16:16:00 +0000

yesterday, i got some potentially scary news. i cried and called my mum and hugged my husband and texted a friend. when people say "there's no point in worrying yet..." what they mean is "clearly you have reason to worry and you are going to worry but i don't really know what else to say so i'm going to say this." personally, i think that now IS the time to worry. because if the news ends up being bad... well at that point - there's no POINT in worrying. worrying makes a lot more sense when you don't KNOW if it's going to be bad yet.

i dunno. trying to be positive, but i'm frightened. trying to be brave, but really i just want it all to be over. i want to know what's wrong. whether it's no big deal, or whether it's THE big deal.

but through this pile of shitty shit, i'm feeling even more aware that my family is amazing. my husband is amazing. my friends are amazing. and no matter what the outcome - i'm a very lucky woman.

March 28

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 03:59:00 +0000

only one box of my expired polaroid 600 film left now...

March 23

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 00:32:00 +0000

seems that a lot of my favorite cleveland buildings are disappearing. the one i took photos of that had ice pouring from it this winter was demolished this week. i hope this one isn't next...

i wish i could live in this building. it is awesome.

March 19

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 03:20:00 +0000

goodnight, super moon.

March 17, No. 2

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 03:59:00 +0000

...and now for a little hero worship.

i could not be more in love with this man that i married. he amazes me pretty much every day. and almost always in a good way.

(a stolen little shared moment. i liked it.)

March 17

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 03:58:00 +0000

this is the first year that i only went to ONE st. patrick's day boys from county hell show. i spent the morning, instead, at the doctor's office - getting diagnosed with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder! whee. i got some lovely pills and will hopefully be feeling more "normal" sometime soon. just going was a big step and i feel a lot better about things in general having done so! (thanks, mum, for the push to do so!)

i wanted to take video at the show, but of course, the battery in the flip died. my luck. but i got a few pictures, at least...

this one says it all:

what would st. paddy's day be without ashlee!

and bobby d.!

my father-in-law and brother-in-law. i'm glad i got this photo, actually, because i always notice

how sort of odd my father-in-law's hands and the ways that he gestures with them are.

i like at all, but still find it just... strange-ish. interesting.

one of my favorite views in town.

sometimes ryan sings and doug plays the tin whistle instead.

March 14

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 15:01:00 +0000

#1. the good stuff. happy 21st birthday to my kick-ass brother-in-law, evan. the one under-age person i've ever WANTED to hang out with in a bar before is now legally allowed to do so! way cool!

#2. the bad stuff. i feel like i'm losing my mind lately. like, literally - i react in completely insane ways to things that i should just be able to cope with because they are part of daily life. i cry, at some point, nearly every day. i'm nervous about everything, stressed out over everything, constantly thinking the very worst about any situation first before (at least usually) being able to reign the coo coo bananas nonsense in and realize how good stuff actually is. and that's the thing. things ARE good. we've decided to stay in cleveland (there... at least THAT cat is out of it's particular bag), we've got some decent plots brewing - stuff i'm excited about and DO feel really positive about... so why this constant crazy dread and anxiety?!
years ago i received a text message from one of my best friends that read: "my doc put me on prozac. my first anti-depressant. i feel so grown up." wondering if maybe i need to "grow up" in that way, too? what i DO know is that something needs to change. i'm not right. and it's making me worry. and i worry enough already about everything else without having to also worry about my worrying.

March 3

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 01:54:00 +0000

i have a crappy cold and have had a semi-miserable overwhelmingly busy week at work. so when i came home today to see a package addressed to ME on the table, i was excited...

and then i realized what it was. and the excitement mixed with a strange form of... nausea maybe? i saw the chicago return address, and i knew exactly what was inside the tyvek priority mail envelope, sitting there all lumpy and unassuming in my dining room.

pete. it was, for all intents and purposes, pete. his wonderful roommate, stacey, had mailed me all of the physical proof in the world of mine and pete's friendship. the scarf i knitted for him with the yarn he picked out so that he could "look like a traffic cone". and his "foodeater" t-shirt. the one that matches mine. the ones i had made for us at neighborhoodies a billion years ago. stacey also attached a couple of pins his friends up there had made, in memory.

i'm torn. part of me wants to pack these precious things away, keep them safe forever, frame them on my wall... something like that. and the other part of me wants to wear them. to wear that hideous scarf every day. to keep that ridiculous, wonderful man alive somehow. i don't know what to do...

February 27. No. 2

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 04:09:00 +0000

After something like 4 or 5 years, my $30 Chinatown "Rolex" finally broke. It was still technically running, but the knob to change the time/date broke... and as tomorrow is the 28th, and the last day of the month, I wouldn't have been able to change the date forward to March 1... and for my overly anal ass (no pun intended) - that was just unacceptable. Now a definite fan of faux designer timepieces, I decided, after failing to find a new watch I didn't hate anywhere local, to hit up ebay. Score.

Here is the $5600.00 watch I've been coveting since it's release last year:

And here is the one I bought on ebay, shipped FREE from China, for $18.99:

Alright. SO it looks a little dumpier... but at a savings of $5581.01, I'm completely willing to live with dumpier.

February 27

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 22:58:00 +0000

Friday at work, my boss gave me these. About a year ago, we found them behind some pieces we were disassembling to reframe. The look of them reminded me SO MUCH of the graphic design work my grandfather used to do. I have no way of knowing if he actually did do them or not, but the location, era and style all fit - and I desperately wanted them. But whenever we find things of interest in the backs of frames, we let the client know to see if they want those things or not. My boss told me that she'd look into it and if the client didn't want them, I could have them. I'm not sure if she ever did ask the client but considering the fact that WE framed them to begin with (like a million years ago), we probably used them for backing without the client ever even knowing they were there. And I'd all but forgotten about them until she plopped them on my workbench today with a smile. So excited. Even if my grandpa had nothing at all to do with the designs, the pieces themselves are great. Thanks, boss lady!!

February 23

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 03:08:00 +0000

first and foremost...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUM!!!! i love you so much!

and then, less important...

carol posted this on facebook today, and it made me giggle, so i'm making my own list:

Top 10 Fictional Characters I Have Had Crushes On:

Top 10 fictional characters you choose to be perfection, or close to it. This is not necessarily all based on looks -- think overall package. Could be movie or television character.

Predictable or surprising?

What do your choices say about you?

10. Cookie Monster

9. Tycho Potter (from the teen novel The Catalogue of the Universe)

8. Underdog

7. Skip Skipperton (as played by Jason Lee in Mumford)

6. Steve Brady (as played by David Eigenberg on Sex and the City)

5. Oscar the Grouch

4. Lloyd Dobler (as played by John Cusack in Say Anything)

3. Ed Chigliak (as played by Darren E. Burrows on Northern Exposure)

2. Max Belmont (as played by Chris Eigeman in Kicking & Screaming)

1. Albert Milo (fictional character based on Julian Schnabel as played by Gary Oldman in Basquiat)

February 21

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 17:05:00 +0000

last night, it rained ice for several hours. this morning, my neighborhood looked like this.

February 19

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 04:58:00 +0000

yeah? no? i'm sort of undecided on this myself.

February 11

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 19:09:00 +0000

in the spring of 2003, shortly after my ex-husband and i had split, i met peter pallasch. on friendster. i wrote to him because his screen name was from a paul westerberg song, he listed the replacements as his favorite band, and one of his profile photos was him, in a pink dress shirt, passed out on the hood of a car. for whatever reason, he was exactly what i was looking for at that particular time in my life.

pete and i hit it off immediately. we would spent hours every night instant messaging one another. talking about music, about things that made us sad, things that made us happy, dreams we had, places we'd been, stuff we'd experienced. (oddly enough, i'd experienced pete's old band when they played at my favorite bar back when i'd lived in denver. small world.)

at that time, i was very sad. my failed marriage wasn't making me feel aces about myself or my life. pete, while crazy and hilarious, offered up a lot of his own sadness and discontent to me in our talks as well. as we grew closer, we decided it was finally time to actually MEET and hang out. so i mailed him a bus ticket.

he arrived late at night, and i still remember nervously sitting in the sketchy greyhound terminal in downtown cleveland at 11pm... waiting. i still remember my first real-life view of him prefectly. he was rumply and stinky from the bus. he was wearing jeans and a denim jacket, and a pale yellow button up shirt. he looked like a complete disaster - and yet somehow, utterly beautiful as well. i remember feeling proud that i was the person this extraordinary person was getting off the bus to see.

pete and i went to bars, we went to restaurants, we went to dave & buster's. we even went to the irish festival, where we ran into friends of HIS who had just moved here from chicago and are now, still, my friends. we also saw a pogues cover band playing at that irish festival. the same pogues cover band that the man i eventually married is in. (i'd almost forgotten that detail!) anyhow - we just had FUN. i hadn't done that in a really long time. he made me happy. he made me laugh. he made me forget how miserable i was. and i like to think i did the same for him.

over the next year or so, we saw each other several times in person, as well as continuing to IM almost nightly. pete flew to cleveland, in a turquoise sharkskin suit, no less, to spend my birthday with me. that weekend, we ate crab, crab and more crab, drank whiskey, whiskey and more whiskey, and went to cedar point. he even tried to sing me a birthday serenade, but was too wasted to get very far with it...

on more than one occasion, pete convinced me, via instant messenger, to drive up to chicago to visit him. at like 10pm. and i did. we stayed in hotels and had ridiculous adventures. he took me to terrible diners and we drank in hotel bars. we accidentally crashed through a very fancy, formal asian wedding reception in a hotel lobby wearing our bathing suits and carrying a bottle of whiskey. the father of the bride screamed, in a hilarious accent, "look at all these naked people!" to which pete loudly slurred in response, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" later we were thrown out of the hotel bar because he's brought his own booze in. when the bartender asked us to leave, pete stood on his chair and yelled "it's ok! i'm a MUSICIAN!" (they still asked us to leave.) so we spent the rest of the evening in our room, laughing and singing and watching bad tv and eating pizza. he told me stories about touring, about the guitar he'd brought with him to the hotel, about what he hoped to do one day.

his dreams were always about being happy. about not being a mess. or a drunk. he talked about the girl of his dreams that he hoped to one day meet. she had short hair. she rode a bicycle, too - no car. she would scale fences with him and get into trouble and go on wild urban adventures with him. she would be, in his words, "the girl version of me - only cuter."

years later, when he told me he'd met a girl and was moving to olympia, i was skeptical but happy for him, too. he seemed to clean himself up a bit while he was there, but he still always seemed a little sad. when he and west-coast girl split up, he called me on his way back east. he told me he didn't want to go back to chicago. that he was afraid. that he didn't want to end up drunk and on drugs and a fucking mess again - that he knew if he went back there - he'd end up dead. he actually said those words to me...

because ryan knew how much i loved pete, and because he'd become friends with him as well over our years together, he offered pete the spare room in our house. told him he could live here for free until he found work. said that he wanted to start a band with him. he tried, my beautiful husband, to save pete. or to at least help him. but pete couldn't, or wouldn't, take the charity - and he went back to chicago.

after he returned, we talked less and less frequently. i hated watching him slip further and further down the shit spiral that he had been so afraid of. we never stopped telling him to move here, but it never happened. the last time we saw pete was halloween weekend of 2009. we had a really good time, but it was definitely obvious that he wasn't doing too well. the last two conversations we had were almost identical - i told him we were considering moving to kansas city, he told me he was thinking about milwaukee. we said we needed to get back to talking more often so we knew where we were headed and so we didn't lose touch... but we just didn't.

i spent the last week feeling a little bit guilty about not talking as much as we used to. but i know in my heart that pete loved me unconditionally, just as i love him. if we didn't talk for 6 months, and i were to call him out of the blue, he'd be just as happy to hear from me as if i had called him the night before. i might have consciously (or somewhat unconsciously) set up a boundary there... to save myself a little bit.

but he was still a huge part of my life. i don't think there has been a single person i have ever crossed paths with that i've told (or will continue to tell) as many stories about. just in the last week of pete's life, i specifically recall telling two different stories about him to my friend ben.

when pete's roommate, stacey, found me on facebook to let me know of his passing - i knew that i was as big a part of his life as he was mine... if his dearest friends from home, people i'd never even met, knew who i was - well, i guess i was not the only one telling stories. and that - THAT alone - means the world to me. and stacey, amidst the pain of her own horrific loss, being thoughtful enough to reach out to me and let me know... well, i will forever be grateful to her. and to pete's ex, jessica, who also sent me a very sweet message because she remembered him talking about me as well.

when i first started writing this post - it was about my sadness when i read that pete was gone... but that's not what i want to share. he was a remarkable person. and even amidst his own sadness, he brought so much love, joy, laughter and happiness to EVERYONE whose life he touched.

pete was one of the best people i have ever known. he was there with me through some of my darkest days, and he will always remain with me, through memories that will never die. oh - and through the tattoo that we used to say we were both going to get, but which i guess i'll be getting on my own now... the one that will read "gabba gabba yay!"

i'll always love you, pete. and i'll always miss you... god rest your guts.

well a person can work up a mean, mean thirst
after a hard day of nothin' much at all
summer's passed, it's too late to cut the grass
there ain't much to rake anyway in the fall

and sometimes I just ain't in the mood
to take my place in back with the loudmouths
you're like a picture on the fridge that's never stocked with food
i used to live at home, now i stay at the house

and everybody wants to be special here
they call your name out loud and clear
here comes a regular
call out your name
here comes a regular
am i the only one here today?

well a drinkin' buddy that's bound to another town
once the police made you go away
and even if you're in the arms of someone's baby now
i'll take a great big whiskey to ya anyway

everybody wants to be someone's here
someone's gonna show up, never fear
cause here comes a regular
call out your name
here comes a regular
am I the only one who feels ashamed?

kneeling alongside old Sad Eyes
he says opportunity knocks once then the door slams shut
all i know is i'm sick of everything that my money can buy
the fool who wastes his life, god rest his guts

first the lights, then the collar goes up, and the wind begins to blow
turn your back on a pay-you-back, last call
first the glass, then the leaves that pass, then comes the snow
ain't much to rake anyway in the fall

February 6

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 02:12:00 +0000

mallorie and i have been adventuring together on weekends for a long time, but it's become a much more regular occurrence over the past month or so. today, we dragged my friend, ben, along with us to various places in asiatown. we bought various strange food and drink and then tested them out at mallorie's loft.

February 5, No. 2

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 00:59:00 +0000

here's a wonderful photo of me that mallorie took when we were at the fair together this summer. (we really are both very slow about getting film processed...)

February 5

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 00:12:00 +0000

last year, i scored a FREE awful looking plastic camera at a secondhand shop that takes a percent off the price for each day an item is there. if you find something that's been there over 100 days - it's yours. for free. and so, the lovely LAVEC LT-002 became mine.

today, i got the roll of film that's been in the lovely lavec for over a year developed. finally. there were a couple of gems, for sure...

February 3

noreply@blogger.com (phoebe marie) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 22:40:00 +0000

four things:

1. woke up feeling horrible. (actually, went to bed feeling horrible - i knew it was coming, just didn't want to believe it.) too sick to go to work. slept half the day. being sick is stupid. i've been sick far less often the past couple years, but it doesn't make it suck any less when i am.

2. happy chinese new year. it's the year of the rabbit. that's MY year. hopefully that's a good sign.

3. my husband is, without question, the best person i have ever known. he is brilliant and selfless and treats everyone he cares about better than he treats himself. he deserves more than he gets and far more than he ever asks for in return. he is amazing.

4. here are 3 polaroids i took yesterday. it was just so odd outside, i couldn't stop myself from burning through some of the very few shots i have left...